Grateful 365 #5 – Blank Slates (and nostalgic MMORPGs)

I play video games, but I’ve never really considered myself much of a ‘gamer’. I tend to shy away from consoles, favor rhythm and rp genres, and have been a proud member of WoW anonymous for years now.

…after spending a year or more as an officer of a raiding guild.
Y’know.
Like you do….

Wait. Wait. This is 365 grateful/100happy days isn’t it?
So screw the nerd shaming!

I was a proud, important member of Clarion Call on Skullcrusher from 2008 to 2011 in the halcyon days of the game! I helped make this:

I healed those raids. I worked for that gear. I researched specs and did math I didn’t want to for the good of the guild. We were a team. We were and are friends and it WAS an adventure! And it was a hell of a lot of fun.

Am I sad I quit?
No.
Yes.
…Sorta…

Okay, so I’m a little torn. On the one hand, I have a lot more free time, sure… but I wish I’d kept up with my friends better. Gregorin especially helped me chase that writing bug. Kracky always had my back before I even joined CC. Gallenheart & Crane were my late night conversation partners and as good at listening to whatever was on my mind as they were at being top notch tanks and healers. Man, the nostalgia is intense. Tyrantor, Garbrac, Crittin…I know there were more and I hate that I’ve forgotten.

Of the entire internet, only 9 other people remember this...

OMG do you guys remember that time Remy and Ty freaking 2-Manned Heigan after the rest of the raid wiped to the waves???
F@#$*^& EPIC!!!!

But yeah. I haven’t looked at another mmorpg since I walked away from WoW…probably BECAUSE I have such fond memories. I’ve heard I got out at a good time. I’ve heard that Cataclysm was just that.

I know nothing with any certainty though because it was so good while I was in it that I fear anything less than that cameraderie, that high level raiding, that quality of guild will disappoint me.

(This is turning into more of a review than a 365 post! Sorry!)

So what am I grateful for that I would bring all that up? What could have sparked my interest in nostalgic topics like these in the midst of my ‘recovery week’?
THIS:

Hello Neverwinter...would you like to be my friend?

Hello Neverwinter…would you like to be my friend?

Well…a blank slate. The character creation screen of a new game. A brand spanking new mmorpg with a terrifyingly, excitingly unfamiliar playstyle, HUD, and mechanics. It’s based on Dungeons and Dragons and called Neverwinter Online.

Sure the cinematic is gripping, but see that screen with the terrible flash reflection? I could make anything! Maybe a tiefling devoted cleric just to mess with the statis quo. Maybe a drow control wizard. Maybe a halfling trickster rogue!

It’s all based on 3.5 rules if I’m not mistaken, and even the customization slots encourage you to think about where your character’s been and where they’re going. If this game proves worthy enough to hold my attention, a full review will be forthcoming.

Until then, I’m grateful for the nostalgia of my beloved WoW days and the excitement and ‘fresh character’ smell a blank start page brings!

~all the love~

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Not Exactly How I Planned to Start This

I’ve been planning to do a lot of things for a very long time.

I’ve been planning to create the epic fantasy series I’ve had in my head since I was small.

I’ve been planning to learn how to play the ukelele and the guitar and maybe a few extra instruments as time allowed.

I’ve been planning to brush up on my Japanese and then learn more. Maybe even try for some semblance of fluency.

I’ve been planning to read more.

Learn more.

Go out more with my friends.

Do more at work.

Report more often for the webzine I’m fortunate enough to write for.

Try making articles for other ‘zines too.

I’ve been planning to get my name out there…by any means possible.

…I’ve been planning a wordpress of my own for awhile, but I never seemed to find the ‘right time’.

Funny how it’s never the “right time“, isn’t it?

Not “ha-ha” funny, but enough to make a girl smirk at herself.

Well…it’s still not the right time. Not at all. It’s the wrong time.

Everything.

Is.

Wrong.

My headspace is all messed up. I keep vacillating between hero and victim and protagonist and auxiliary character and all the spaces in between. I’m the luckiest vagabond pauper queen victim warrior in all of how-many-ever worlds there might be. I’m at my best, worst, and most indifferent…and I’ve never cared more about leaving a mark.

I’m not writing this blog because I need something to do–
I have a job and a lot going on.

I’m not writing this blog because I finally realized that you can’t win if you don’t play–
I’m still terrified of failure and rejection and procrastinate and make excuses to deal with that.

I’m not writing this blog to build myself up or to tear myself down–
I’m too ambivalent about everything and anything to get beyond “pleased to exist”, honestly.

Most of all, I’m NOT writing this blog because I think I won’t get another chance–
Ambivalent, indifferent, or otherwise…I am still far too much of a narcissist to seriously imagine my own death before I’ve made something worthwhile to leave behind. Plus, I’m in no danger.

I’m writing this blog because I found out I have cancer…and that frightened me, consumed me, demotivated me. It spiritually, mentally, and physically messed with me to the point that the only reaction I see as reasonable now is to accept it as a challenge.

And Win.

I don’t take challenges often because I don’t take them lightly. I take them personally, spitefully, and with something to prove….and so I’m going to do my best to take everything that would hold me back or scare me off and craft it into something I can at least look at and say “Hey, I tried there. I didn’t give up or lose ground.”

Best case scenario? I make something like art or manage to help someone in a similar situation in some small way.

Trying is more than I’ve done in awhile. I’m rusty. I’m embarrassed it took some stupid clusters of “Cells Gone Wild” to get my attention. It’s not how I planned to start my wordpress…but here it is.

It may not be “the right time,” but it is the time.

Dr. Hodgkinstein? Chemo?

Bring It

…Bring it.