Grateful #46 – Controlling Time

ImageI have wonderful news that deserves a post of it’s own…and it will have it. However, today I am grateful for time. You see, I am writing from the future…at least as far as this post is concerned. Those who are following the personal side of this website likely know that I have been battling cancer– Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to be exact– for the better part of a half a year.

Spoiler alert!!!! (I win!)

However, the journey has been far from boring and unfortunately some of the tolls it took were on my ambition, my inspiration, and my motivation. Although I knew that the end was in sight, that end often felt like a barren, endless tunnel that repeated itself into infinity.

I’d like to think it never stole my joy, because there were a myriad dazzling moments of relief, excitement, and revelry amidst the turmoil. Here, on the other side of it, I’m willing to admit that there definitely were some very dark moments too.

It wasn’t an easy time. …And despite my own best intentions, I fell into that hopeless, awful hole once or twice.

(I met Artax there… poor Artax. I knew him well.)

In my defense, I’m not a horse. I had a lot of things to hate.  A lot of things I’m glad I’m rid of. A lot of things I pray I’ll never encounter or deal with again. I have more things to be grateful for than ever.

Maybe I shouldn’t have hated those times. Maybe I shouldn’t have feared them…but I did. Maybe that’s what dragged me down.

However, here? Now? I’m glad for everything.

Glad it’s over.

Glad I’m done.

Glad I have time.

I’m not giving this project up. Grateful 365 is important to me. It means that this year was more than the worst bits. I’m behind, but not quitting. Not the project. Not writing. Not the site. Not my ambitions.

Oddly enough, the project represents endurance to me. It’s a year long marathon of celebration via keyboard.

I just realize it will take awhile to catch up.

Apologies to those looking for anime or comics or cons…but for the next several days (and possibly weeks), a lot of that work will be waylaid in order to catch up on gratitudes.

Why?

Yes, cons and costumes bring more views and follows.

Yes, games and reviews are topics that reach a broader audience.

Yes, eventually this gratitude blog and my professional blog will be two separate entities.

HOWEVER– this year has opened my eyes to things I’ve never seen.

I’ve seen grace, beauty, kindness, love, friendship, wholeness, wellness, faith, joy, camaraderie, and LIFE in frames I’d never known before.

I’ve also experienced loneliness, grief, anxiety, depression, isolation, futility, devastation and anger such as I’ve never, EVER known.

Today though? Today I’m glad I’m here. Today I’m glad to know I’ll be here tomorrow…and the next day…and hopefully the day after that. Not only will I have them, but I will have them as a healthy individual.

There will be time for all of it. For gratitudes and conventions and anime and video games and cats and costumes.

I’m glad I have time.

Time enough to make good on everything I appreciate.

Time to love and live and share more.

Time enough to fill your feed with things I think are worth noticing, loving, and lauding in your life…

…Because we only get one.

Sometimes it takes a hard look into the shadows to make us appreciate all the good things that shine so brightly.

I’m glad for every single pain I suffered…because it makes every smile that much brighter. Every laugh that much lighter. Every morning that much more amazing.

We live in this construct of “time”. I’m grateful for every single moment of it that has passed and hasn’t passed yet. I’m glad I have a chance to catch up and backlog over a month’s worth of gratitudes.

I’m glad for every single person who takes the time to read them.

Thank you.

~all the love~

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s